This is the story of @Ldsrprlpodcast Please make sure to check out her account and podcast because she really does an amazing job! This is part one of two.
When I was very young, a relative of mine started to sexually abuse me. It lasted a few years and it truly affected my mind, my brain in a way that was so damaging, I was lost most of my adult life. I had been lost and found and then lost and found again many times as I battled the demons that came with abuse of this type. Add to that being in a home with a Marine Father and a CEO Mother, our home was unique. They worked a lot to support us 5 kids. I am in the middle with 2 older brothers and 2 younger brothers. I am the only girl, so I don’t believe I really experienced the middle child syndrome some people talk about. This is just background for you.
Because of the abuse that occurred while my parents were at work, I was often alone with my abuser. Although my memory has been spotty for many years about details, I can tell you that it was in those moments of suffering that Christ was with me. As I grew older, because of my need to survive temporally & spiritually, I was given many opportunities to pray and learn the language of the spirit. Because of my age, I don’t remember ever thinking I need to learn the language of the spirit OR I can’t hear the still small voice. In God’s mercy and love, I have understood the voice of the Lord as far back as I can remember. I will not profess to be literate and understand every time I receive promptings/inspiration, but I am confident enough to act on the inspiration, typically, immediately because of the natural relationship that was built with the greatest Comforter given to man in the absence of Christ, the Holy Ghost. He spent many days and nights with me. He strengthened me, he protected me, he loved me, and he gave me God’s grace. Without any of this, I would have committed suicide long ago. It was the close relationship that was built with the spirit of God that helped me to understand that I am never to take my own life.
You see, I have tried to live my major moments in life considering what Father & Christ would want me to do. I know suicide would give them the greatest sorrow and I couldn’t do that to them. Plus there was an abiding peace placed within me I didn’t understand. For some reason, I knew I would survive and at some point in my life, I would thrive consistently instead of just having moments of success/serenity/peace. That constant peace/serenity/success would be felt and given through God’s great mercy when I met my third husband 11 years ago in Venture, CA.
Being that I grew up in the church, primary had taught me the important basics of prayer, scriptures, testimony, faith, and so on. My Dad taught me how to find my own testimony when I turned 8 and wasn’t sure about getting baptized because of what happened to me. I love Heavenly Father and Jesus, but I was also upset that they allowed this pain to form who I am throughout my life. That type of trauma and abuse changes a person. Typically they either die inside and fake it to the entire world, they die inside and everyone can see it, OR the magic happens. The miracle of all miracles, when one can finally understand the atonement enough to utilize it to empower them to invite peace and serenity in their life through forgiveness and understanding that just as Christ has overcome the world, He too has helped me to overcome my demons and the devil. His power is infinite. This is what happened to me, the magic happened in the form of mercy, faith, great love, tenderness, and the simple fact that God knows me intimately because I am His daughter and Christ’s too. That will never change and it brings me so much comfort to know that I don’t have to fake anything with them. They not only know every hair on my head, but every cell in my body and spirit. I can be me with them and they love me anyways. It has taken me a long time to get to this point.
Because of the abuse, I developed many addictions to drown out the depression, suffering, and sorrow I would experience from time to time. I was so confused about my sexuality when I left high school. I was confused about intimacy. I was confused about relationships. So, I allowed men to use me and hurt me because when you are traumatized and have that type of PTSD, you do not love yourself. Self harm is a typical way of handling trauma and I did this in very extreme ways, unfortunately. I experimented with many drugs, became addicted to wine, smoked since I was 9 years old, and hated myself. Yet throughout all of this, I still believed. I know the church is Christ’s church. I knew the gospel was true. I just didn’t have the strength to develop the coping skills and spiritual tool chest to deal with my trauma for most of my life. For a long time I wished death and slow pain for my abuser and those desires ate me up inside. After years of feeling this way, I became a hard, bitter, mean person inside. My dreams were filled with all things devilish, especially the gruesome ways in which I would exact revenge. After trying to drown out my sorrows with anything I could get my hands on, I finally realized I had to reach out to my Bishop and I didn’t know who that was. Most of my adult life I had been inactive, but the nice thing about my family, my parents have always been active. All I had to do was call my parents and they would connect me with my Bishop or whoever I needed at the time. I was rewarded with a star-studded basketball coach as my bishop from BYU. His reputation preceded him in my town and I wasn’t sure if he could handle all I had going on and my needs. So, I called him directly and told him I needed to meet with him. That I hadn’t been to church in a long time and needed help.
I went to church at the appointed time, walked into his office, sat down and he looked at me. When he took in my whole self, including my spiritual self, he knew I was in deep pain. He didn’t feel sorry for me, he didn’t make me feel bad or anything like that. He loved me and told me he could help. My mom bought me a book called the “Peacegiver” and my bishop worked on me the silent way bishops do. Name on the temple roll, checking in with me as if he did it everyday my whole life, stopping by my home to take me away from my everyday suffering and brightening my day with his powerful faith and the holy ghost. I read one chapter of that book. That’s all it took for me to have a spiritual experience so powerful that I was able to finally forgive my abuser. You know how it feels carrying this around for almost 30 years? That kind of hate and desire for retribution? It never affected him. It only affected me. My Bishop helped me to see this and the spirit of God did too. It was like the tallest, highest, heaviest mountain was removed from my being and I felt so light that I was going to float to the clouds. Yet this still didn’t get me active in the church.
My wounds were deep, and my need to self medicate was a cavernous pit that was never filled for long. I had my first son at 19, next at 21, divorced by 25, remarried by 28, divorced by 38, and my children were done with school. Suddenly I had an empty home with no place to call my own and no children to keep myself busy with or to get love from. After my second divorce, I felt like a complete failure and didn’t have a compass to my ship. I aimlessly sailed on and on in the roughest, dirtiest of seas which seemed to overcome me daily. I sunk into a deep abyss and lost myself in torturing myself and bringing harm to my body. It is a vicious cycle that often doesn’t make sense to those who do not understand. It is my own personal hell on earth created by someone else then nurtured, unwittingly, by me.
Then I decided to go on a dating app. I will never forget this. August of 2011. There were many reasons I went on there. To find friends mostly because I was always taking care of my family, and didn’t have time for friends. Plus, I got along better with men than women as is my nature; I come from a family dominated by men. I met a few great guys and had lots of fun. Some men were lost themselves in a deep darkness that I recognized immediately from my own experiences I endured. Thankfully, even though I wasn’t active in the church, the Holy Ghost still tended to me in my moments of ignorance and protected me. I have always appreciated God helping me to see His hand in the fine details of my life.
At the time I was still working for our family business of over 20 years plus. I had stepped outside for a smoke break and went to the app store on my iphone. They promote certain apps weekly and this dating app was being promoted with fun pics of adults having fun and enjoying each other’s company. It was called Jazzed and no longer exists. I downloaded the app and perused the profile pics. I came across a picture of this gloriously big buff man, beard, long hair, snapback on, arms crossed, obviously a weightlifter, tattoos all over and he had mad style. He is my type, I have always been attracted to men that look like him, so I told myself keep scrolling woman! The goal here is to move on and meet decent men, not to repeat my mistakes!
I kept scrolling and looking at profiles, but this picture just struck me hard and I had to go back to his profile.I checked out his profile tag, it’s like a quick description of yourself, and it said tatted up high school teacher. I thought immediately, he has to be educated. What a walking contradiction? Growing up in the Central Valley of California, there were men who weren’t working. Lots of them and most seemed to be shady, like womanizers. A lot of men weren’t educated and I was done with uneducated, unfocused men who were looking for a sugar mama. I wasn’t going to be that for any man again. I have always taken care of myself pretty well because I had 2 boys that relied on me. I needed to find a man I could respect. Who hustled like me, who was driven, who was decent with morals and values, someone with integrity.
Where oh where would I find a man like that? I tried church dances, but I was foolish. Who was I going to fool. I still wasn’t active in the church and didn’t want to fool these guys into thinking that I would go back to church. You see, at that time, I wasn’t ready. Yes I knew the church was true, yes I knew it was the best thing for me, but that meant I had to have strength to change my entire life. I didn’t have it. So, I finally messaged this guy on the Jazzed app, but there was something about him I couldn’t shake. This was the end of July 2011, and he said he had to go back to work at the end of August. We decided to meet each other and the halfway point was Bakersfield CA since I am from Fresno and he is from Ventura, CA.
We met at the Marriott Hotel which had a fabulous restaurant. I got there early so I could watch him walk in, not him watching me walk in to the hotel. I sat down in the lobby, got comfy, and pulled out my phone. I was on my phone managing emails and texts when I remembered why I was there and looked to my left where the double doors were from the parking lot. These were glass double doors, very large, floor to ceiling, and I couldn’t see! So I grabbed my purse, stood up and as soon as I looked around the large pillar in my way, there he was…..and everything promptly moved into slow motion. He walked down the middle of the parking lot lane and oh my gosh, was he so handsome! He walked with a confidence yet there was something in his walk that communicated to me that he was a bit shy. He came through the double doors, and although I tried so hard to play it cool, I couldn’t stop smiling from ear to ear! Like the cheshire cat….the smile wouldn’t go away. He came in for a hug, I am part Hawaiian, so I went in for a peck on the cheek as is custom, and he thought I was trying to kiss him and he turned away LOL.
I couldn’t believe it, but I didn’t find out until after the fact that he thought I was going to kiss him. Again, I thought it was because he was so introverted. We sat down at the table and he sat across from me. His eyes were lit up the brightest green I had ever seen with literal bursts of gold flecks throughout them like the sun was shining through his eyes. I had never seen anything like it before! He was charismatic, oh so charming, funny, the attraction was strong, and we had a wonderful evening. Quickly I traveled to Ventura within the next 2 weeks to visit some more and see if there was anything there worth pursuing.
I showed up and we had a fabulous time. We shopped, ate, drank, and I found that Ventura was right next to the ocean. I had always wanted to live by the ocean, but with my first divorce I couldn’t move my children, so they could see their father regularly. I spent a few days with him, then traveled back home, got to work and that was it. Then he called and invited me back. I worked from home so it was easy for me to visit. Again, we had another visit that was memorable and magical. I hadn’t felt this way ever and I had been married and in relationships more than a few times. I didn’t really understand what was going on but I knew I felt this tether building between us and when I would leave, it would get painful to leave as we stretched that tether from Ventura to Fresno.
Next time I visited, my boyfriend at the time, had torn a tendon in his elbow. He had surgery and needed someone to help him for 6 weeks. Seeing as how my kids were living elsewhere and I was pretty much free to work anywhere that had internet, I came back and took care of him. That is when we fell in love.
Fast forward almost 2 years, my brother from Utah had sent one of his young men called to the ventura mission field our names and number to contact us. My brother had explained to him my situation and that I was living with my boyfriend. He actually did call me, but he was being transferred already and told me he would give our number to the next missionaries. I said OK but wasn’t really interested at the time in becoming active. My boyfriend and I had lengthy, spirit filled conversations but i hadn’t told him I was LDS or that my family was LDS. Mostly because my first husband converted and stopped going to church quickly, so if he wanted to find out about the church it would have to be through his request. Sure enough, around this time the young man had called and I knew my boyfriend wanted to investigate the church because we were getting serious.
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