Hey everybody! Welcome back to another month’s How To post. As we promised last month, we are focusing today on the nuts and bolts of actually forgiving another person when it’s really, really hard. As a side note, self-forgiveness is a discussion for another time, so we won’t really be going over that. Before we jump into today’s topic, here’s a little recap of what forgiving means and why we should bother going to all that mental, emotional, and spiritual effort.
Background on Forgiving
Forgiving means letting go of the hurt, bitterness, anger, or resentment that is tormenting you due to something someone else has done. It can also be considered releasing that person from blame. If that doesn’t sit well with you, you might consider looking at forgiving them as an act of mercy.
Either way, when you forgive someone, regardless of whether they are sorry or even merit forgiveness in any way, your burden is lifted. You are no longer giving them (or their harmful actions) free rent in your head. You can feel the spirit. You can finally find peace.
Pretty compelling reasons to forgive, right? So, I thought, having covered in depth last month what forgiving means and why even bother, that I’d be good and ready to dig into how to actually forgive by the time this post rolled around. You know, for most of my life, I’ve been able to let things go, to see others’ perspectives or put myself in their shoes, to give them grace, and assume they had good intentions or have compassion for their weakness. You get it. All the things that help you forgive. That’s worked pretty well for me. Until the past few years, when I’ve struggled with a tough interpersonal issue and have not been able to find answers that would bring me peace.
So, I might have been a little hubristic thinking I could sort it all out and really understand forgiveness after a month’s study. I’ll have to admit, I’ve made progress. I’ve learned a lot. And I hope what I’ve learned will help me in my quest to improve, to forgive, and to find serenity. I hope it will help you, too. But to be honest, I think what really will make a difference for all of us is, practice, practice, practice. So, next time someone hurts or upsets you, just remember, this is a great opportunity to try out your new, improved forgiving skills. That should help, right?
All right. Seriously, though. Let’s dig into the meaningful, doable steps you can take to forgive someone and ultimately restore your inner harmony.
Forgiving is Not the Same as Forgetting
Let’s get that out there right now. Part of the purpose of having a memory is so we can avoid situations that cause us harm. Touch a hot stove? Wow. I won’t do that again. Get robbed when I left my car unlocked? Lesson learned! Twice, actually. Remembering these incidents helps us learn from them and restructure our lives se we are less vulnerable. And if the incident repeats or is especially painful, the memory of it is deeply ingrained in our minds.
In his podcast, psychologist Jordan B. Peterson advises listeners that if they are struggling with a painful experience that occurred at least six months ago, now might be a good time to write about it. Write down the basics of what happened and why you felt hurt or betrayed. Then, for optimal healing, you have two options. One options is to consider how you can shift your perspective or your world view so that you see the experience through new eyes. Sometimes this can ease the pain immediately. I suggest that you write down the new perspective so you can refer back later when difficult emotions return. Because they will.
Here’s a simple example. Very simple, for explanations sake. Let’s say your roommate comes home and is distant or snippy. It’s easy to feel angry or hurt when they behave that way. But with consideration and, possibly, new information, you might recognize they had a bad day. Maybe they had conflict at work or missed a deadline or maybe they’re in the middle of a headache or stomach pain. This information will shift your perspective about their behavior. You would view them with compassion instead of resentment. You would be thinking about them instead of yourself.
Like I said, this is a very simple example and it’s a level of hurt that you probably would not be thinking of six months or more later. But you get the idea. the same principle can apply to deeper, more significant hurts that stick with us. Often as spiritual approach can help us make needed adjustments to our perspective. Prayer and fasting can soften our hearts and gain an understanding of where the other person might have been coming from.
Unfortunately, a shift inner perspective is not always the solution. In some cases, it’s just not possible. In some cases, such a shift would be wrong. For example, if someone has been abusive to you or to someone you love, you’re not going to change your opinion about abuse just so you can have some peace of mind. It just doesn’t work that way.
In cases where shifting your perspective isn’t the answer, Peterson suggests you may need to make some changes in your life so you’re no longer vulnerable to that same danger. Just like with the hot stove, you learn to keep your fingers away from the fire. Considering what changes you might need to make to protect yourself from further hurt can be part of the healing process and part of learning from the experience. This is a process that could involve writing and thought, discussion with close friends, family, or religious leaders, or even time spent with a therapist. All of this can be part of the healing process.
Refocus Your Attention
While you are on the road to healing and forgiving, it is vital to make sure your mind isn’t marinating in a stew of anger and bad memories. Jentezen Franklin introduces an interesting idea in his devotional, Love Like You’re Never Been Hurt, on the Bible App. He explains that when we’ve been hurt, an excellent memory does not serve us well. Instead, he recommends working on your “forgettery.” In other words, let it go. Like I’ve already said, we may not actually forget we were wronged. If it wasn’t a big thing, we might. But especially with big issues or dangerous situations, our memory can be protective.
Letting go isn’t the same as forgetting. Psychologist Nick Wignall explains that when difficult memories arise, we need to redirect our thoughts. The more we dwell on negative thoughts and feelings, the more likely they are to recur. As Dr. Wignall says, “You can’t control your memories, but you can control your attention.”
When negative thoughts surface about what happened, refocus your attention on positive things in your life. Focus on gratitude for the support of good friends, focus on what is meaningful, how you can contribute to the good in your life and in others. This also applies to indulging feelings of anger, no matter how well-justified. The more we focus on negative emotions, the more they will continue to plague us. To motivate a shift in thoughts, Wignall suggest we ask ourself the following question: “Will continuing to elaborate on what happened and extending my anger do me any good in the long-term?”
Another strategy for managing your thoughts is to schedule time to contemplate your strategy for dealing with the issues that are troubling you. Jordan Peterson describes doing this when his daughter Mikhaila suffered from a debilitating physical condition. When something terrible is hanging over you, you cannot spend all your time and energy thinking about it. That will only destroy you. Instead, set aside a limited period for strategizing and re-evaluating your approach, preferably in sunlight and when you are not hungry. The important thing is that for the rest of the week your time and energy are focused on meaningful activity.
Let Go of the Past and Move Forward With Meaning
We cannot change the past. No matter how many times we rehash it in our minds and come up with better things we could have said or done in the face of being wronged, the past is not something we can control. We need to accept that what happened, happened. That’s just the way it is. When you accept it and let go of the negative emotions tied to it, you are setting yourself free.
We may sometimes feel if we accept something that happening in our past, we are giving tacit approval of what occurred. But that is simply not the case. Instead, we are no longer giving the incidents or offenders space in our minds. We are freeing ourselves to reach toward personal fulfillment.
In his final general conference address, James E. Faust explained, “Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”
We may find that as we become free of the constant torment of dwelling in the past, we suddenly have space in our minds and time in our lives. Fill it with something meaningful. Not only does that help with healing and give our lives purpose, but it also prevents us from returning to our former misery, like a “dog to it’s vomit” (Proverbs 26:11).
Another way to accept the past and move forward with meaning is described by Benjamin F. Call in Choosing to Forgive. He quotes Lewis B. Smedes, a renowned Christian author who explained, “Forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”
The hope for our future is grounded in filling our lives with meaning. In Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl describes the horrors of life in the Holocaust concentration camp where he was an inmate. The prisoners faced incredible suffering and privation. Frankl found that those most likely to survive were those who found meaning in life, whether it was family they loved, a great work they needed to complete, or simple kindness to those around them. Something as simple as the beauty of the sunset or the trilling of a bird could bring meaning to the prisoners, and with it as sense of hope. “The meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour…Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life.”
As we actively fulfill our mission in life, we will find enough meaning to keep from dwelling on the pains and injustices we experience. Seek the Lord’s guidance as you try new things and pursue meaningful activities and thoughts. The Lord wants us to have joy. He wants us to be His partners in lifting others. As we live a meaningful life, we will find out own joy and peace and help others do the same.
Find an Outlet for Your Emotions
Letting go of difficult emotions and moving forward with meaning is definitely a process, one that can take a lifetime to master. Often when we are struggling with forgiving someone, we are also experiencing significant emotional pain. We may be mired in anger or resentment. We may be drowning in grief. Over the course of the past few years as I’ve struggled through the issues I’m wrestling with, I started to sketch. I soon noticed that when I was drawing, my mind was much less likely to drift to the things I’m angry about. I found myself sketching more and more. Keeping my fingers busy creating was somehow providing me some healing and preventing me from having my mind spinning around the topics I could not solve. Eventually I moved on to painting and ended up discovering a new hobby that brings me joy and peace. Even though I don’t really know what I’m doing, I find the act of creating soothing and meaningful.
I’ve learned there’s a scientific basis for this. The Good Therapy Blog describes How Art Heals Grief. It can help us make sense of what has happened or is happening in our lives. Colossions 3:23 helps us understand why putting our heart into the work we do can be fulfilling. “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord.”
As does Exodus 35:31-33: “and he has filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding, with knowledge and with all kinds of skills— to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood and to engage in all kinds of artistic crafts.”
As we express our creative side, we can be filled with the spirit and better able to manage our thoughts and emotions, and ultimately, if we choose, forgive.
Nurture a Desire to Forgive
This is really the first step in forgiving. Like everything in life, it’s a choice. Sometimes we don’t feel ready to make that choice. No matter how completely we know we need to. We may find ourselves feeling hard-hearted, unwilling or unable to forgive. According to Benjamin F. Call, placing blame causes us to focus our thoughts and emotions on the past, where we feel hurt rather than on the future where we can find healing and build meaningful lives. He explains that resisting the urge to place blame is vital to our ability to heal and find peace.
Sometimes we may only have the faintest desire to forgive someone. But even this small desire can be enough for us to begin. It is much like the seed of faith that Alma describes. “Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me” (Alma 32:28).
When we find ourselves full of anger, bitterness or resentment, we may notice our hearts growing hard. We may feel less patience or compassion with others. We may be less able to hear the spirit. When we are hard-hearted we are no longer able to hear another’s point of view. we believe we are complete in the knowledge and understanding we currently have.
The secret to nurturing a desire to forgive is to come to the Lord with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Our hearts get broken in this world, whether by individuals, institutions, the vagaries of nature or the frailties of the human condition. The question is, what do we do next? Do we allow our hearts to harden or do we offer our broken heart to God and come to Him with a contrite, willing spirit. When we make that great sacrifice, it changes us. The Lord binds up our broken hearts. We can go forward with faith in Him.
Christ’s Atonement Can Help You Forgive
We know we need to forgive. We know that as we do, our burdens will lift and we will begin to heal. Not only that, but we know that the Lord will forgive us as we forgive others. Forgiving matters. But we cannot do it alone. The Savior counseled, “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44).
When we feel we are not up to forgiving, or not up to following Christ’s counsel to love and bless our enemies, we must offer our broken hearts and our imperfect desire to Him. He will help us. “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). So this sounds really wonderful, the idea that Christ will help us have the courage, strength and grace to rise above ourselves and forgive and love in ways we couldn’t alone.
But how exactly does this happen?
There are many strategies for accessing the power of the atonement. Fasting, sincere prayer, losing ourselves in service, studying the gospel. One strategy I find useful is to pray whenever angry or hurt thoughts arise. Sometimes I simply tell God, “I am giving this to you right now because I can’t do it alone. Help me know the next good thing to do in my life.” Then I try to do the next good thing, which may be the dishes, or practicing piano, or calling a friend. And I plead for God to help me, to soften my heart, to help me find compassion for others and peace in my life.
Elder Larry J. Echo Hawk has said, “We can all receive unspeakable peace and partnering with our Savior as we learn to freely forgive those who have trespassed against us. This partnering brings the Savior’s power into our lives in an unmistakable and never-to-be-forgotten way” (Even as Christ Forgive You, So Also Do Ye).
Another way to think about forgiving is that it is an act of mercy. If you have mercy, it changes who is in control. when you cling to hurt, anger, resentment, and refuse to forgive, you are not taking control of your inner life. Instead you are allowing the harmful results of someone’s actions to thrive in your heart and in your mind. Instead, treat your thoughts and emotions like a garden or a room. It’s up to you to cultivate a beautiful garden or decorate a lovely room rather than filling it with weeds, spiderwebs and darkness. When you extend mercy to someone else, regardless of whether they deserve it, you are cleaning the cobwebs from the corners of your heart. You are throwing open the windows and letting the light of Christ shine into your soul.
“Mercy is the compassionate treatment of a person greater than what they deserve, and it is made possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ” (Gospel Topic: Mercy).
Second Chances
We may often wonder how many times we need to forgive someone, especially for the same repeated offense. Peter asked Jesus this question, “Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-22).
We are commanders to forgive again and again, not just when the problem is over, but throughout the trial we are facing. Elder Lynn G. Robbins said in his talk, Until Seventy Times Seven, “Amid a life full of stumbling blocks and imperfection, we all are grateful for second chances.”
This applies to issues great or small. With the small things, it’s better not to get angry or frustrated. For example, when someone handles a task differently from how you would and (in your view) ruins a dinner party or the landscaping or something else that matters to you, focus instead on what you could be grateful for. Could you be grateful they are the kind of person who is willing to help, however imperfectly they did it? Are there other aspects of that person you could be grateful for instead of being angry or resentful of their weaknesses and imperfections?
In the small things, second chances and a tender, forgiving heart can make the difference between a happy workplace, home or marriage, and a miserable one. Small frictions and mistakes happen on a daily basis. We must cultivate the ability to overlook them and to forgive, the same way we would want to be forgiven ourselves.
Even with big issues, second chances can be powerful, both in your own healing and in building the sort of environment where you and others can thrive. But only you will know if giving a second chance is right for your circumstances. Forgiving someone does not always mean giving them a second chance. As always, seek the Lord’s guidance.
Finding Peace
As you make your way through the work of forgiving, peace will come. It takes time. The act of forgiving is not a one time inspired experience, but rather it is a repeated choice, a choice nurtured by faith and enabled by grace. We may sometimes feel that peace will only come when the offender understands what they’ve done, apologizes, and makes restitution. We may think peace will only come when a relationship is restored to its former trust and closeness.
The truth is, the person who hurt you may never understand. They may never apologize. Things may never be the same.
That doesn’t mean you have to remain stuck. If we make our inner peace contingent on someone else’s ability to understand or apologize, we are undermining ourselves. We cannot control others. We can’t control what they think or how they will choose to act. So, we can either waste our time and energy trying to make someone else understand, trying to force a sincere apology out of them, and demanding restitution and reconciliation, OR we can spend that time and energy on things we can control – our own thoughts and actions, our own desire to forgive and find inner peace.
As Dr. Wignall says, “Hope for reconciliation if you wish, but don’t expect it.”
Elder Faust reinforces this concept in his talk on forgiveness. “Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours.”
Sometimes we may feel pressure from others to stand up for ourselves, to hold someone accountable, or even to retaliate. Of course, accountability is important. Most likely, a conversation expression ourselves is needed. In some instances, the law will hold others accountable. We need to let God be the final judge. It takes courage to have mercy, to forgive, and to move on with your life.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland pleads with us to create peace and to forgive. “I ask us to be peacemakers—to love peace, to seek peace, to create peace, to cherish peace. I make that appeal in the name of the Prince of Peace, who knows everything about being “wounded in the house of [His] friends” but who still found the strength to forgive and forget—and to heal—and be happy” (The Ministry of Reconciliation).
Live With Gratitude
As part of the healing process, take a moment and list all the ways you have benefitted or grown from the trial you have endured. This is not to say that the trial was good or right. Of course it wasn’t. But if you can recognize the ways you’ve gained strength, skills, social support, or faith, you can begin to see the trial as something you’ve triumphed over.
The stories we tell ourselves about the hard things we experience in life help define who we are. They remind us we are more than the trial we have gone through or are still experiencing. We are more than a victim of an injustice. If you were to write your own story, would it be a tragedy or a triumph? Which would you want it to be? A triumph, no doubt.
Victor Frankl survived the concentration camps. He lost his family. He suffered more than most of us can imagine. He could have sunk into bitterness and despair. His life could have ended even though he was still living. Instead, he wrote about his experience. Looking back he recognized the things he had learned about himself, about people, and about life. His story is one of triumph, and not just because he survived.
The fact is, regardless of what has happened in your life, it is up to you to triumph. It is up to you what story you write and what story you live. Focus on living with gratitude and your entire perspective will change.
Practical Steps You CAN Take
- Understand what forgiveness is and what it is not. Forgiveness is an act of mercy. It is choosing not to assign blame. It is letting go of feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment. Forgiveness is not condoning the hurtful behavior. Nor does it require renewed interaction with someone who has harmed you.
- Recognize why you should choose to forgive. The evidence is clear both from scientific and spiritual sources. Clinging to hurt only hurts us more. When we forgive others we are able to move forward in life and find serenity. We are also able to forgiven of our own wrongdoing.
- Nurture a desire to forgive. Knowing we should forgive does not make it easy. We must nurture the desire to forgive. Fast, pray, study the gospel, plant the seed of forgiveness in your heart and water and nourish it every day. The Lord will help you in this righteous desire, just as he helped the man who declared, “Lord I believe: help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24).
- Redirect your thoughts. Make a list. Make a plan for what you do and what you will think instead of dwelling on hurt or anger or struggling to understand how the person who harmed you could have done what they did. Just trying not to dwell on these negative thoughts and emotions is not enough. You must have a plan for what you will replace them with.
- Let go of the past. We cannot change the past. Do not give hurtful incidents or people any more space in your mind. Do not assign blame. That holds you in the past. Instead, focus on the present and the future.
- Build a meaningful life. Figure out what this means for you. Does this mean investing more time and energy into your family or friendships? Taking a new class? Exploring family history? Finally picking up that instrument you’ve been wanting to learn? Find ways to fill your life with joy.
- Use creativity to activate positive emotions. Creative efforts such as art, music, or dance can help us process our grief and help with healing. They can also help our minds expand instead of dwelling on hurts.
- Give your broken heart to the Lord. Christ’s atonement is not just for finding forgiveness for our own sins. It’s also for healing. As we turn to Him through fasting, prayer, service, and study, we will find His peace seeping into our lives. Our capacity to love and to forgive will increase. He will bind up our broken hearts.
- Live with gratitude. Focus on the good things in your life, including the ways you’ve grown and the things you’ve learned by going through this trial. This may not exactly help you forgive, but it will definitely help with the healing process and can shift your perspective about your life overall.
- Recognize the courage it takes to forgive. Forgiving isn’t for the weak. When you make the choice to forgive someone who hurt you, you are showing great strength and great faith. Forgiving is a process, a day by day expression of faith and trust in the Lord. It takes practice, so keep after it.
Resources for your journey to forgive
- Forgiving What You Can’t Forget
- Forgiving Others: Misconceptions and Tips
- Using Forgiveness as a Vehicle for Inner Peace
- 20 Bible Verses About Forgiveness
Question to consider: Who do you need to forgive to find peace in your life?
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