“The cure for most marital troubles does not lie in divorce. It lies in repentance and forgiveness, in expressions of kindness and concern. It is to be found in application of the Golden Rule.” -Gordon B. Hinckley
I recently wrote a post about the “secret ingredient in marriage”, which is the one and only…LOVE! So, if we were to stick with that same recipe, you already have the secret ingredient that’s going to make your marriage special, long lasting, and extraordinary. Now it’s important to remember the salt. Brooke and I stayed at a bed and breakfast once for a mother-daughter weekend. By the front door was a platter of warm, freshly baked cookies. It was the perfect welcome, and the best “see you soon” sentiment. These cookies were freshly baked each time we walked through the door, whether coming or going. (I am still not sure how she was able to maintain the constant warmth of those cookies.) The aroma oozed through the entire house, causing us to randomly sneak downstairs for an extra taste of goodness. When it was time for us to head home, we asked for her recipe. We couldn’t imagine going home without this special extraordinary recipe. Lucky for us, they had a house cookbook, which we bought and have worn to shreds over the years. Every time I make these cookies it is a success. Except one time, when I was making them for a friend gathering. It was rather embarrassing, because I had ranted and raved over these delicious, unmatched cookies. When my friends’ bit into what they were expecting to be heaven, they got average. I couldn’t understand it. So, I took a bite, with the same result. As I thought about my baking that day, I suddenly remembered that I had forgotten the salt. Without the salt, this special recipe with all its secret ingredients, didn’t have the same impact.
Marriage is no different. The salt of the Marriage is Forgiveness. Forgiveness has never been so important as it is in marriage. The relationship with your spouse determines all the relationships in the home. There is nothing more significant then what is happening within the walls of your home. The bible tells us that “if the salt have lots his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? It is thenceforth good for nothing”, (Mathew 5:13) As you consider forgiveness as the salt of your marriage, you can see that a little forgiveness goes a long way, and that without it, the awesomeness is lost. Even love cannot be truly given without forgiveness. It is impossible to hold a grudge and to have charity. They don’t co-exist. It doesn’t take long in a marriage before the first conflict arises, or the first argument. At that point there are two choices, repent and forgive, or don’t. It’s that simple. However, second one is dangerous, because it allows a cancer to seep into your marriage–one that could be difficult to remove if not handled quickly. Often our offenses that are left unattended to become large and ugly fights, where the original issue is forgotten, but in the meantime, many hurtful feelings have been expressed. Elder Joe J. Christensen said: “To develop a solid marriage, we must be able to admit we are sorry for the mistakes we make. . . . When conflicts in marriage arise, we should be swift to apologize and ask for forgiveness, even though we may not be totally at fault. True love is developed by those who are willing to readily admit personal mistakes and offenses”. (Richard B. Miller BYU speeches 2010)
Forgiveness is necessary in small moments of offense or misunderstanding, as well in big moments of sin and neglect. Often it is those small moments that are left unforgiven, that ultimately lead to the big moments. Forgiveness can be extremely difficult, because it takes humility to admit one is wrong, and meekness to forgive, even when the fault seems to be with your spouse, not you. Sometimes forgiving our spouse is especially difficult, because we assume that the undying love we have for one another should be enough to eliminate ugly situations. It’s difficult to understand how someone we love could say or do anything that would hurt our feelings. It feels devastating. The truth is that repentance and forgiveness are actually muscles that have to be cultivated in a marriage; as they are practiced and strengthened, it becomes easier to access them. That is why it is important to avoid developing habits of rudeness, ignoring, and anger in a marriage, and replace those moments with forgiveness and understanding.
I remember being a newlywed, and when I looked at Mark with admiration, I would get, “young love”, or if I snuggled up against him as we talked, I would hear, “enjoy it while it lasts.” I heard comments of how difficult marriage was, and that the first years were the best years. I am thankful for these comments, because I pondered them. My conclusion was that I could choose what attitude to adopt in my marriage. I decided to never let a bad attitude take hold as a habit. I knew I wasn’t perfect, no one is, but I was responsible for my own actions. I decided that this is where I wanted the “hard work” to take place. I was going to work hard at being madly in love with Mark forever–this is how I figured I could achieve a “happily ever after.” It seemed to me that my alternative would not be as enjoyable, to once have loved deeply, and spend the rest of my marriage merely tolerating my once beloved. As I have practiced this idea, it has proven to be the best policy. Every person recognizes when they mistreat someone, especially their spouse. It takes a loving wife or husband to take the responsibility in those moments and decide each time that she/he doesn’t want to act that way, then to change, and not allow those same actions to take place again. For example, after a long day of work or parenting kids, it is easy to feel overwhelmed, and be short with those you love. Then, it might be tempting to justify those actions because the day has been exhausting. However, when that happens, the choice is ours of to recognize our “tolerating” attitude and decide not to treat those we love that way. Make a mental note of what happened and how you can change it. Apologize, and then refuse to allow those actions to become habits. The result is your rough days are much more enjoyable. Come home kind. This attitude is contagious and will spread to your spouse and the children. There is no reason to get bitter over what your spouse acts like, because you are only responsible for your actions and reactions. However, as you develop good habits within your marriage, your spouse will also catch on. There is no one who desires to be miserable, but sometimes we lose sight of how to maintain that love. Remember no marriage is all sunshine, so during the storms, be the one to hold the umbrella for the two of you, so that no one gets drenched and you stay close. That closeness during the clear skies and the thunderstorms of life is what makes each year better than the one before, making the best year, the one you’re in right now.
It helps to understand that your spouse is not perfect. It’s impossible to marry a perfect person, because that person does not exist. When Mark and I first opened our car lot, I was the sales person. One of my favorite requests from customers was, “I want to buy a car that won’t have problems.” I would always respond, “Then don’t buy a car.” “Buy a bike, but it will have problems and require maintenance also.” That is the same as a spouse, if you are looking for a wife or husband that won’t make mistakes, do not get married, get a dog. Just remember the dog will also make mistakes, he will have potty accidents, eat your socks and chew up your favorite shoes. Don’t worry, this fact goes both ways; you are not perfect either. So, when you make a mistake, it’s okay, apologize, forgive and decide to never do that again. When these simple principles are applied, then the snuggle up while talking, and looking at your spouse with admiration continue through the decades, and into eternity. It’s the real life Happily Ever After.
“A successful marriage isn’t the union of two perfect people, it’s that of two imperfect people who have learned the value of forgiveness and grace.” -Darlene Schacht
-Sherri Jorgensen
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